Childhood Experiences: Emotions and the Brain

What was it like for you when you were growing up? How did your caregivers respond to your emotions?

Some adults say their caregivers allowed them to “have” their emotions. Others say their caregivers would get angry, ridicule them, or worse, walk away from them when they had emotions of any kind, even perfectly reasonable ones.

But one of the main reasons people end up in counseling or therapy is because their emotions were not validated when they were growing up. So, it’s important we look at this. Why does this happen? What’s the connection?

Turns out, the answer lies in the brain and in neuroscience.

I’ll start with an example. And then I’ll explain how neuroscience fits into it.

Let’s say, back when you were a little kiddo, on the playground, some other kiddo came up to you and punched you in the arm. And it hurt. You started crying. You felt angry, hurt, embarrassed, sad, betrayed, maybe even scared, and more.

In a perfect world, your caregiver would come to you, get down to eye level with you, and say something like, “Oh, did so-and-so hit you in the arm? That must have hurt. I see you’re crying. Do you feel sad? What else are you feeling? Was it scary? You’re holding your tummy. Does your tummy hurt, too?”

When caregivers do this, they are engaging three parts the child’s brain. They activate neurons (nerve cells) in the brainstem, at the back near the neck, by asking about the tummy. The brainstem controls everything about the body. They activate neurons in the limbic system, which is in the middle of the brain, by asking about emotions and leaning into them. The limbic system controls our emotions. And they activate neurons in the prefrontal cortex, near the forehead, when they ask questions, getting the child to respond with words, because the prefrontal cortex helps manage our thoughts.

What the caregiver did in this example unites all three parts of the brain, in the following way: When activated, the neurons in each of these areas of the brain fire off. They reach out to each other and connect. When they do, a new or improved neural pathway is built—in the literal sense. This allows for these three areas to integrate… and communicate better. There is a saying, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This connection and improved communication gets stronger every time it happens. And it allows children to regulate their emotions better for the rest of their lives.

But, when the caregiver does not respond that way, that connection is not made. If this “dropping of the ball” happens often, the child could end up dysregulated. Maybe that child acts out or gets anxiety or gets depressed. Maybe all three things happen. Those things, when they go on for too long, can lead to the actual “mental disorders.” And people end up in counseling, trying to understand why they can’t get a handle on their emotions.

Talk therapy itself—while not as fancy-sounding as the other therapies we do, like EMDR and RELEASE™—is actually a neuro-based treatment.

The therapist is doing what the caregiver did not, leaning into emotions and body sensations, and asking clients to do the same, scanning their body and their emotions, and then reporting back, in various different words. The therapist is purposefully activating those neurons, in those three areas of the brain, at the same time. Clients can also do this on their own. And they can do it for and with their children.

And, as a result, these three areas of the brain unite, integrate, and communicate. Clients become better able to manage their emotions. They get fewer somatic issues and illnesses. They have fewer thoughts that might be troublesome for them. They manage or eliminate their mental disorders.

Fortunately, because of neuroplasticity—the ability to develop new neural pathways—this can occur well beyond the time the brain finishes developing in the mid-to-late twenties. Neuroplasticity occurs throughout the lifespan. It’s never too late to create new and stronger neural pathways—and to better manage emotions, thereby also treating mental disorders and improving quality of life. 

The lessons of the playground are many. I hope this one is helpful to you.